It’s not easy to ask.
Asking makes you vulnerable. Asking opens you up to rejection, to ridicule, the possibility of failure, of being a burden to others. Asking invites shame.
But asking also builds connections. Asking is honest, authentic, an act of trust and collaboration.
A burden shared is a burden halved.
I am quite terrible at asking myself. On more than one occasion in the past when I’ve needed help, I’ve only really gotten it because the people I loved bludgeoned me with it until I couldn’t say no.
I recently read Amanda Palmer’s book The Art of Asking, loosely an expansion of her wonderful 2013 TED Talk. It’s part memoir, part manifesto about art, vulnerability, connection, crowdfunding and love. Yes, yes, Amanda Palmer is polarising, as is her art, but she is honest and raw about her triumphs, fears, failures and everything in between.
We can all learn much from this book. Here are some life lessons I learned from reading it.
1. Our relationships are everything
Amanda Palmer treats her fans like her friends. Her fans are her friends, even if she hasn’t met them yet.
It’s hard to achieve greatness on our own. We are who we are among other people. Relationships, connections with others, are what turns simply existing into living.
They’re precious. Cultivate them, don’t spurn them. When you need them, they will be there. When they need you, you will be there.
2. “You can fix almost anything by authentically communicating.”
You screw up sometimes. Circumstances change. Promises you once made are sometimes impossible to keep. Be honest and apologise. Trust is invaluable, and it’s not worth losing by being insincere.
3. The Fraud Police visit everybody
The Fraud Police represent impostor syndrome, that anxiety-inducing and at times inescapable feeling that you don’t deserve your successes, you don’t belong where you are, you shouldn’t be trusted with this responsibility…
Amanda Palmer imagines the Fraud Police to say:
We’ve been watching you, and we have evidence that you have NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE DOING. You stand accused of the crime of completely winging it, you are guilty of making shit up as you go along, you do not actually deserve your job, we are taking everything away and we are TELLING EVERYBODY.”
I struggle with these feelings regularly, and it’s easy to let them overcome you until you can’t think straight about anything.
But everybody is winging it to some extent. Nobody has all the answers, and we figure it out as we go along.
As Amanda Palmer writes, “The professionals know they’re winging it. The amateurs pretend they’re not.”
Externalising these impostor feelings helps me keep them at bay. Observe them when they visit, treat them like an old adversary doing the rounds. Sit next to them and keep on keeping on.
4. A small gesture can have a profound impact
The value of things is not equal to everybody. What might be a small gesture to you could have a profound impact for someone else – a well-timed compliment, a phone call to an old friend, a hug.
Treat everyone as if they might be going through something rough that you don’t know about.”
Chris Brogan
Often they are.
5. Find a mentor
The Art of Asking introduces us to Anthony, Amanda Palmer’s friend and mentor since childhood (and also a psychotherapist and author).
Anthony met me when I was nine and taught me everything I know about love and knows me better than anybody and we still talk almost every single day even if I’m touring in Japan.”
Anthony’s wisdom permeates the book and his advice has clearly informed the way Amanda Palmer approaches life. For example:
Anthony once told me: It isn’t what you say to people, it’s more important what you do with them. It’s less important what you do with them than the way you’re with them.”
Very few people make it through life alone. Mentors can provide wisdom, insight, experience and advice in many areas of life. They don’t have to be the most successful people in their fields – sometimes those only a step or two ahead of you can provide the best guidance right now.
They don’t even have to be people. Books are some of the best mentors there are.
6. “Doesn’t hurt enough yet.”
Often our failure to act to improve our circumstances can be summed up this way. Inaction doesn’t hurt enough yet.
We sabotage our own efforts at delayed gratification. We eat the extra donut, watch the next episode instead of going to the gym, splurge on the unneeded purchase.
Then we look at ourselves later and ask, “Why do I keep doing this to myself?!”
“Doesn’t hurt enough yet.”
‘What’s that terrifyin’ sound?’ asks the friend.
‘It’s my dog,’ said the farmer. ‘He’s sittin’ on a nail.’
‘Why doesn’t he just sit up and get off it?’ asks the friend.
The farmer deliberates on this and replies:
‘Doesn’t hurt enough yet.'”
7. “If you want to know what you believe, ask the people you taught.”
We’re all guilty of it sometimes. It’s easy to act out of alignment with your values. Just ask the overweight, smoking doctor.
If you ever forget what’s important to you, revisit the advice you offer and the standards you expect from others.
Anyone with children doubtless understands this point. As soon as you teach one thing and do another, they’ll be the first to pull you up on it.
8. Haters, cynics and trolls will try to drag you down
With every connection you make online, there’s more potential for criticism. For every bridge you build with your community, there’s a new set of trolls who squat underneath it.”
It’s impossible to please everyone all the time. The only one that will suffer if you try is you.
Be who you are. Focus on your True Fans. Forget the rest.
9. How to respond to the trolls and bullies
Public figures get a lot of criticism and abuse, and Amanda Palmer probably gets more than most.
She notes one approach that’s helped her deal with it:
Take the scathing article, hurtful office gossip, or nasty online comment.
Hold it in your mind.
Now imagine the scathing article, hurtful office gossip, or nasty online comment being aimed at the Dalai Lama.
Now imagine the Dalai Lama is reading or hearing the scathing article, hurtful office gossip, or nasty online comment…
Now imagine the Dalai Lama’s reaction. He may smile, frown, or laugh – but he will undoubtedly feel compassion for the author…
It may work to use Jesus, Joan Baez, Yoda, or your kind-eyed but strong-as-an-ox great-aunt Maggie.
Rinse and repeat as needed.”
10. Asking without possibility of rejection isn’t really asking
Asking is complicated and scary. It comes with the possibility of rejection.
Those who ask without fear learn to say two things, with or without words, to those they are facing:
I deserve to ask
and
You are welcome to say no.
Because the ask that is conditional cannot be a gift.”
Asking requires an admission of vulnerability, but also self-worth.
11. Being Real is hard
Being comfortable with who we are – being who we are – is hard. We try to hide our faults and get defensive when they’re exposed.
We try to control how other people see us, rather than letting them see us for who we are. Our social media profiles are carefully curated versions of ourselves presenting only what we want the world to see. We untag ourselves from unflattering photos, take selfies from one angle only, contort our faces into unnatural fake smiles.
That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
Margery Williams – The Velveteen Rabbit
Put yourself out there. It might hurt, but it’s worth it.
Great post – You’ve convinced me to read the book!
Incredibly insightful. Really enjoying this blog.
Thanks, Melissa!